


She doesn't know

by VainClaws



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Desperation, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Longing, Love, Post-Break Up, So much angst in this, just a sad drabble, unresolved love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 04:22:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8357008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VainClaws/pseuds/VainClaws
Summary: Solas wanted to speak, to shout, to yell at her, for being so stupid, for saying all those things, all of her vulnerability, telling all of her weaknesses to the Dread Wolf himself.
But she kept on going.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I feel a bit angsty today, so I decided to write this instead of writing for my literature assignment that is due the end of this month, hahahah. Anyway, if there were to be any errors in spelling or any typos, I apologise in advance because I am too lazy to proof read it or have anyone reading this before posting.
> 
> tHis is just basically angst, with an unresolved ending, just basically angst, like just Solas being an asshole

The air smelt like freshly cut grass and rain as Solas stepped through the woods alone, tonight the Fade looks a bit grim, or maybe it has always been this way, he couldn’t recall. What he does know it is that it has always been the same routine every night, and every night in the Fade, Solas looks for her, he looks for that small spark of life, that beautiful melody of her spirit’s presence, that longing warmth that he dreads to feel, the emptiness that only she can fill in.

 

But lately, she’s nowhere to be found. Solas used to watch her dreams, looking from afar as her dreams shifted, but he could never have the courage to walk up to her—let alone, talk to her.

 

Even after everything, he couldn’t help but to want to be a part of her life, even if it’s just in her dreams. He is selfish, he knows that all too well, he is very much aware. But he longs for her, he misses her, so much. He wants to see her again, he wants to look at her eyes, and see her lips turning upwards into a small smile.

 

He is so afraid to admit that he misses her.

 

It has been so long, perhaps she blocked him from her dreams or set her own boundaries so no one could interfere. A part of Solas respects that and thinks it’s a wise decision, he knows how much pain he has put on that small particular elven, so he wouldn’t wonder why she blocked him.

 

But he knows that she didn’t, he would be able to feel a boundary, some sort of wall, but he couldn’t feel anything. And nights go by painfully slow whenever he couldn’t find her, he tried his best, oh he did, and yet, he just couldn’t seem to find her.

 

Of course he worries for her.

 

Although inside, his heart just screams at him to go back to her, to check up on her, see if she’s okay, but he would know better than to do that, he could never show his face to her again, and that is a pain he would take on for the rest of his life.

 

The more Solas walked, the more oblivious he became to his surroundings, his thoughts clouding his own head, his chest felt tight, his throat became sore, his eyes became heavier and heavier in each thought of her, so instead, Solas gripped his staff harder as he walked through the woods, trying to stop himself from getting carried away.

 

So maybe she isn’t here anymore. Maybe she had blocked out her Fade abilities, perhaps she did. What good is there for her here? Else than one pathetic elf, that broke her heart into a million pieces, that one elf, that promised her beautiful things, that one elf, that promised her his heart, but took hers away with him.

 

But then he felt it, that small spark, barely there, that small tingling feeling of her presence, and he almost smiled at the thought of finally seeing her again but he didn’t, so he looked for the source, his feet moving in quite a fast pace, his movements structured as he struggled to find her. His senses were getting sharper and sharper these days, his tracking skills are better now.

 

So it didn’t take him long to finally land himself behind the trees, it smells a lot like the sea here, and he could also hear the faint sounds of the waves crashing against each other in a rhythmic motion; but one particular thing caught his eye, because there she is.

 

Sitting on the edge of the cliff ahead of him, her back towards him, her hair blown in the wind, he could tell that she is looking at the sea, even though he could not see her face, he could feel her pain, and a part of him wants to hug her, to tell her that everything is going to be okay, but it’s not, they both know perfectly well that it will never be okay.

 

He stood there, frozen, behind the trees, almost close enough, but still way too far. He wanted to be closer, he wanted to touch her, to embrace her, to smile at her as she smiles back; Solas stopped his thoughts before they grew too much, he shouldn’t be thinking about her anymore, and he shouldn’t even be here, he should be leaving her alone, to find tranquility and peace.

 

To find what she truly deserves.

 

She doesn’t talk at all, she breaths ever so slowly, so delicate, as if with one touch, she’ll crack and be broken to a million pieces. And in that moment, he sees her, he knows that this is what he had done, he did this to her, he crushed her and left her alone to the pain.

 

Sometimes Solas wanted to talk to her, scratch that—he wanted to talk to her every single day of his life, he wanted to ask her, how is her life, did she find another person that would make her happy, did she find the happiness she truly deserves, how is the inquisition, how are their armories, how is she doing in battle, did she ever get hurt lately, how is she feeling…

 

His eyes closed for one second before opening them again, this is too much, this is way too much, he cannot do this to her, and better yet, he cannot do this to himself, she will heal, time will heal her, even if it won’t heal him, he would be the one to pay the price, this was all his fault, not hers.

 

Never hers.

 

Solas admits that he loved it when his agents return from Skyhold to update on the latest news on the Inquisition, and of course, the Inquisitor herself. They would tell him all about it, but the thing he looks forward most is when they tell him about her. How she was doing, how busy she is lately, and from all the reports, she seemed fine, she seemed okay, she’s not in pain.

 

But the girl he frequently seeks in the fade, this girl sitting on the edge of the cliff, doesn’t look like she’s okay, even after all this time, he thought that she would have probably healed, he would have thought that she had found another lover, another one to hold her close during the night, to wipe away her tears as she cried, to read her stories, to take her on morning walks and kiss her in the morning.

 

She sobbed.

 

Solas heard it clearly, he heard it too clearly and it made his heart sank, it made his eyes burn and his fists clench, he couldn’t do this… He couldn’t do this.

 

As he almost walked away from the trees to leave her be, he heard her again;

 

“If you wish to leave then leave.”

 

Solas didn’t move, his eyes permanently glued to her back, she doesn’t turn around, probably she doesn’t want to turn around, he could feel her hesitation in her previous voice, but he lets her speak instead of replying with his own.

 

“I miss you.” She said slowly again, her voice shaking and he could see her hands clutching down on the ground tightly, “I miss you, don’t you know that?”

 

Solas almost wanted to answer, she didn’t give him the time to answer because she already knew the answer to it.

 

“So when are you going to come back and get your belongings?” She sniffed, she asked as if everything is okay between them, or she’s trying to make it okay. She is always like this, she would try to make the people around them happy, to make them feel okay, that everything is going to be okay.

 

Solas knew behind it all, that she is breaking apart.

 

“I don’t know where to put them, I-I.. I usually come by your studies, I don’t mean to—“ She stopped, her breathing ragged as she struggled to find the words, “Remember all the books you left behind?”

 

His heart dropped, he wanted to tell her that all of that doesn’t matter, because the only thing that matters to him is her, her, and only her.

 

But she doesn’t know.

 

She doesn’t know how much he misses her, how hard it is to watch her dreams every night when she is around, how lonely it feels like to walk alone when he is used to her warmth being by his side. She doesn’t know how cold it gets at night when he sleeps and he remembers her sleeping by his side, her hair tousled and her mouth parted as she breathed slowly in her sleep.

 

She doesn’t know how much it hurts, she doesn’t know how hard it is for him to not walk up and kiss her right here and right now, but he couldn’t. He just couldn’t.

 

“Remember that night when I broke one of your vases with my staff because I was constantly wriggling it around?” She chuckled, but it didn’t last long, “I-I.. I bought a new one for you, I didn’t know which one you liked so I went with the blue one, I mean, it looked almost like the one you lost.. I..”

 

She knows that he is listening, she knows that her heart is breaking more and more with every word she lets out, she knows that she could just wake up any second now, and leave him there, behind the trees.

 

But she didn’t.

 

“They removed your paintings, uhm, your murals.. I, couldn’t stop them.. So, now—“ She stifled a sob before continuing, “I forgot how your paintings looked like.. I used to love seeing you paint, maybe you can send me one of your paintings one day.”

 

She stopped talking for a complete minute, from the way her body is slightly shaking, Solas could feel exactly how she feels. Maybe she has gone through worse things, maybe she has gone through sleepless nights as she cried and cried, perhaps that’s why she was never in the fade lately.

 

“After the final battle, I didn’t remember much…. Much of anything, really, but..” She hazily stopped again, “Do you know what I remember?”

 

She paused, her arms moving to wrap herself in it, to keep herself from shaking, she doesn’t want to be seen in her vulnerable state, Solas out of everyone, knows it.

 

“I remember you, I remember your voice, I remember how you used to read me stories and told me elven histories and—“ She sobbed, “I remember your hands, they were really warm even when we were travelling and mine was always cold I.. I remember how you told me you loved me.”

 

Solas wanted to speak, to shout, to yell at her, for being so stupid, for saying all those things, all of her vulnerability, telling all of her weaknesses to the Dread Wolf himself.

 

But she kept on going.

 

“I hope wherever you are, it’s a nice place, I hope it’s a beautiful day there, wherever you are..” Solas could sense her smile at the end, even though she is in pain, she would still… “I hope you find what you are looking for, whatever that may be.”

 

Solas for the first time, took a step closer to her, out of the covers of the trees, he took one single step, closer to her, then, another one, closer to her, yet he did not dare to take another step, afraid of hurting her if he gets too close.

 

Little did he know, it was all that she wanted.

 

Closer.

 

“I won’t ask you to stay, I know you can’t. I won’t ask you to miss me, because you don’t. I won’t ask you to love me, because you won’t.” Her sentence ended there, and she broke down.

 

He could hear her crying, genuinely crying, he wanted to hold her, he wanted to soothe her, but most of all, he wanted to correct all her wrongs.

 

She doesn’t know.

 

She doesn’t know how much he loves her, of how much the sunlight itself reminds him of when her hair is bathed in the beautiful ray of sunshine. She doesn’t know the fact that he had painted her so many times, because he is afraid of forgetting how she looked like. She doesn’t know how much love he has for her, it is so much that he thinks that he should fear it.

 

She doesn’t know he misses her smile, her laugh, her eyes, and how they shine when she looks at him. She looks at him like he is her world, and it hurts him even more that she wouldn’t turn around, and it hurts him even so that she still loves him even after knowing who he truly is.

 

She loves him more than she loves herself.

 

What she doesn’t know is that if he could hold her for eternity, if he could love her for eternity, he would.

 

He wanted to tell her everything, to tell her that she is loved, that she is believed in, that someday things will be fine and she will be with him again.

 

But a part of him knows better, those things won’t happen, because she deserves so much more, so much better.

 

He loves her, he loves her so much, he misses her too much, that is why he keeps on visiting her dreams, he cares for her, he will always care.

 

How can she not see this?

 

“Maybe you are right..” Her voice broke him out of his thoughts, “Maybe our lives will be better apart, because, Solas—I…”

 

The sound of his name from her lips almost made him cry, it reminded him of all the lies he told her, of all the beautiful things that slipped past his lips, of all the stories he told her, now.. is just a collection of forgotten memories.

 

“I try to forget you, I do, I try so hard to remind myself that you won’t be coming back, sometimes I wonder what would it take for you to miss me..” She cried harder now, her sobbing growing more and more frequent, “But I can’t, because when I dream, I dream of you, I always do, and by then, everything comes back to me, Solas—I can’t anymore.”

 

His name again, and this time it is like a punch in the guts.

 

“I understand why you left, it’s okay, Solas. You don’t have to feel guilty for me.”

 

Her voice ended in a soft gesture, before stopping completely, as if everything grew silent as she turned around.

 

Her eyes met his, for a moment, she smiled, that beautiful smile, god-damn, beautiful smile, beautiful eyes, beautiful… But it all went by too quick, as she slowly started to fade away.

His mind screamed at him to stop her, to use his magic on her, but he couldn’t do anything else than to reach his hand out to hers, to her faded ones, and he swore he could almost felt her warmth again.

 

Her features became blurred, her smile faded, her eyes that once looked at him now gone, and it felt like the wind was blowing harder because his hands are trying to reach for hers again, but no success, he needed to hold her, please, please.

 

_No… no, no, stay!_

 

_Please, just one more second, I need more time with you._

_Don’t leave me._

 

But all that came out of his mouth was, “Ar lath ma, vhenan.”

 

…

 

 

That morning, the Inquisitor woke up late, it could have possibly been a couple of hours past noon, and the second thing she notices was the trail of tears down her face. She moved herself out of bed, her eyes squinting to adjust to the sunlight coming from the balcony door.

 

Wait, didn’t she leave it closed last night?

 

She stumbled her way to the balcony door, in an attempt to close it instead her eyes spotted something placed neatly on the balcony.

 

It was a gift, anyone would know from the way the package was covered in smooth expensive paper, but why would anyone leave her a gift on her opened balcony? The sun shining on the sky made the gift glow, the colors shining brightly all over the balcony. It was an unusual thing to see, and no one has ever given her a gift this way.

 

Never this way.

 

She took a seat on the edge of her bed as she slowly unwraps the paper with her delicate and careful fingers.

 

Her eyes widen at the sight of what was inside, and her fingers clutched it slowly on it’s sides as her lips curved into that beautiful smile of hers.

 

It was his painting.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
